I thought I’d Just Know

When I was done having babies, I thought there would just be some sort of undeniable shift inside me, and I’d go, “Okay, we’re done.”

But it has never come.

I find myself torn between two worlds. One is the future that I can almost touch. A life without diapers, breastfeeding, and cosleeping. A life where I can go out to eat as a family and not have to work so hard keeping tiny hands out of trouble. It’s an exciting prospect.

I’ve gotten small tastes of it in the last month or so, when my husband and I can stay in bed together solo for a few minutes longer while the kid’s handle their morning routine. It has been sweet and calm. Like, magic compared to the days of being up all night dealing with colic and still rising early because babies don’t care that you want to stay in bed. Babies have this way of both enhancing and complicating marriage. At least for us, in the early days, we are so focused on our kids that our marriage goes back burner. Selfishly, I’ve enjoyed having more time with my husband again. It’s amazing how an almost 2 year old and a 4 year old are so drastically different from a 1 and 3 year old. So little time, but so much change.

And, of course like most parents, I’ve had moments where I’ve been SO damn done. The days where your kid screams all.night.long or just won’t poop in the potty. But I’ve had others, where a friend’s new baby makes me simultaneously over-the-moon happy for them and so unbelievably sad for myself. I feel the twinge of an ache deep down in my heart at the prospect of never feeling those first butterfly kicks again or of never meeting your new little person after an intense labor with my best friend by my side. In fairness, this is definitely viewing pregnancy, labor, & beyond with rose-colored glasses as when you’re smack in the middle of it all, it doesn’t feel quite as lovely, but I cannot tell you how I treasure my two birth stories of my favorite humans. So much so, that the moments made it into their respective photo books.

Since having our second child, for the first time in our entire marriage, my husband and I found ourselves on opposite sides of a big discussion. Him, wanting to be done and feeling our family was complete and me, still considering a third baby sometime in the future. I had days of doubt and others of surety that THIS is what I wanted. I’ve wrestled with our decision for over a year, but just in recent weeks I have found myself more on his side. I am ready for the next phase in our life. And, in truth, this is a much sounder decision for our finances.

We’ve been blessed with two beautiful children and our family definitely has a feeling of ‘completion’. I’m sure I would love any new little one that came along, but for now we’re going to love the little family we’ve created together with all our might and find new adventures for our family of four.

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